Being funny can be rocket science, at least for Dr. Sheldon Cooper, who has a bachelor’s degree, two master’s degrees, and two doctorates – and won the Nobel Prize in physics for proving his Super Asymmetry theory (does anyone yet know what that theory means?).
He has an IQ of 187, but for the life of him, Mr. Bazinga can’t figure out the recipe to be funny! What he doesn’t realize is that he is funny without even trying!
After scouring through all seasons of the popular show, The Big Bang Theory, we’ve found some of the funniest and most sarcastic things Sheldon has said about life, science, and even love!
Check out the 26 best Sheldon Cooper quotes below…
1. “They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that’s why they hated me.”
The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation
A quote about: Being smart
Use it when: Your haters are just jealous of your IQ.
Sheldon gets mad when he realizes his friends tricked him while on their research trip to the North Pole. He thought he was successful in using his research equipment to find magnetic monopolies, when in fact, his equipment detected static from their electric can opener. Disappointed with his friends, Sheldon confides in his mom when she reminds him of similar problems he had with his childhood friends. Apparently these kids didn’t like smart people.
2. “I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane.”
The Psychic Vortex
A quote about: Being shocked
Use it when: Words aren’t enough to express your dismay.
Raj does the impossible. He persuades Sheldon to be his wingman. Then, two miracles happen in one night – Sheldon has fun at the party and the girls, who they met at the earlier party, ring Raj wanting to meet again. That is when Sheldon gives Raj the look. He didn’t want to go out. Honestly, Raj should count his blessings. He already moved Earth to have Sheldon be his wingman. What would he have to do next to get Sheldon to go out again. Make a deal with the devil?
3. “I am not crazy; my mother had me tested.”
The Griffin Equivalency
A quote about: Craziness
Use it when: People think you’ve lost control of yourself.
A one-liner to use on those who think you’re outrageous. Howard calls Sheldon ‘crazy’, because he wants to use Disney animatronics to build a new Raj. Of course, Sheldon doubts that, as his mother apparently had him tested as a boy. Perhaps someone used animatronics to build a new Sheldon years ago…In fact, maybe they used Star Trek technology…Then things would make so much more sense.
4. “You can’t make a half sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.”
The Guitarist Amplification
A quote about: Sandwiches?
Use it when: Ordering a “small sandwich” at a restaurant.
Sheldon argues with Penny about the origin of half a-sandwich when she is working at the Cheesecake Factory. A man who can explain why two particles collide at different speeds, does not understand society’s need for a half-sandwich. Maybe someone should invite Sheldon to a former function where the host is serving quarter-sized sandwiches. He’ll be mind-blown!
5. “Ah, gravity – though art a heartless bi**h.”
The Bran Hypothesis
A quote about: Falling over…or physics?
Use it when: You purposely push one of your two-sworn, mortal enemies down the stairs: Barry Kripke or Brent Spiner.
Sheldon and Leonard take a package up to Penny’s apartment which is on the fourth floor. But the elevator is broken and they have to use the stairs. Things don’t go exactly as planned when Sheldon accidentally lets go of the package and blames “gravity” for the fall. At least Sheldon and Leonard didn’t have any broken bones. As for the package – the duo may need to take it to the E.R.
6. “One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.”
The Gorilla Experiment
A quote about: Stupid people.
Use it when: You want to make stupid people feel better…or maybe not…
Penny is upset because she can’t get to grips with Sheldon’s teachings about physics. Of course, he responds with this heartless quote. Leave it to Sheldon to know how to make people feel better. He definitely has that tender touch!
7. “People say you can’t live without love – I think oxygen is more important.”
The Parking Spot Escalation
A quote about: Life and love
Use it when: You don’t believe in romance anymore.
I mean, he has a point. Oxygen is kind of more important – at least when you look at life from a scientific point of view. That’s what Sheldon does, and this is what Sheldon thinks when it comes to love. He uses this hilarious quote on Leonard and his relationship with Penny. Of course, this was said long before his romance with Amy Farrah-Fowler…
20+ ‘Friends’ Moments You’ll Always Find Funny
8. “I’m exceedingly smart. I graduated college at 13. While my brother was getting an STD, I was getting a Ph.D.”
The Colonization Application
A quote about: Education
Use it when: Bragging about being the brains of the family.
Sheldon creates a video application to travel to Mars. He drops this awkward line that a) guarantees he’s a smart ass and b) gives way too much information about his brother. You can always use this phrase when applying for a new job. Hey, if it works in getting you to Mars, it’s gotta work on getting you that job…kinda…
9. “Obviously, you’re not suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candy Land would be more your speed.”
The Pancake Batter Anomaly
A quote about: Game-playing
Use it when: You want to show who is the genius in the bunch.
Leonard just lost to Sheldon playing a game of 3D chess, so Shelly suggests Leonard may enjoy playing another game instead – a.k.a. “Candyland.” We’re pretty sure Sheldon would find a way to ensure his winning streak against Leonard in this game, too.
10. “It must be humbling to suck on so many levels.”
The Pancake Batter Anomaly
A quote about: Failure
Use it when: You are trying to show good sportsmanship (or not).
Leonard and Sheldon are still playing 3D chess – which apparently is a real game. Leonard loses the game and Sheldon shows him some ‘sympathy’ by helping him prepare his acceptance speech for “Worst Chess Player.” It is nice when friends provide the needed support.
11. “What computer do you have? And please don’t say a white one.”
The Peanut Reaction
A quote about: Computers
Use it when: Trying to understand what’s wrong with the hard-drive.
Penny and Sheldon are shopping for a gift for Leonard, and a guy asks Sheldon a computer question. He loves to help when it comes to tech, but Shelly just doesn’t have a lot of tact in asking questions himself. As he said, stupid people make him cry, so let’s just hope this guy answered the computer question appropriately…
12. “The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.”
The Pants Alternative
A quote about: X-Men
Use it when: You want to show you know nothing about X-Men.
The gang tell Sheldon they can help him overcome his stage fright when he accepts his award. He calls the gang his “C-Men”, because they’re helping him out – akin to the X-Men. But, Charles Xavier would be mad. The “X” in X-Men actually stands for the mutants’ X-tra powers. You see, Sheldon makes mistakes, too. We still like the idea of the C-Men, though…
13. Howard: “I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore.” / Sheldon: “Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace human contact.”
The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition
A quote about: Facebook
Use it when: Justifying your addiction to social media.
Sheldon is clearly jealous about this so-called Stuart that Amy went out with. And so he befriends Stuart on Facebook, which confuses Howard. Sheldon usually avoids Facebook – more than he avoids coffee – but he excuses his social media antics with this quote. Nice save, Sheldon, too bad it didn’t work! His friends still know he’s just jealous. But, does Sheldon know he is jealous? Does Sheldon even know what jealousy means?
14. “Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don’t you think if I were wrong, I’d know it?”
The Jiminy Conjecture
A quote about: Being smarter than Einstein
Use it when: You want to keep showing you know nothing about X-Men.
Howard tries to tell Sheldon that Wolverine was not born with bone claws. Sheldon is the smartest man alive, and he knows everything, so there’s no point in arguing with him. We guess this is a good quote to use in an argument. Being smart always wins.
15. “You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.”
The Jiminy Conjecture
A quote about: Bug (and lady) phobias
Use it when: Someone you know has a fear of bugs and women.
The guys discover that Raj has a fear of bugs. So, Sheldon, with one of his rare opportunities to show human emotion, jokes with Raj about him also being afraid of women and hands over this impressively funny line. It’s true, ladybugs…a combination of both bugs and women…they must be Raj’s biggest fear!
16. “The correct animal for inter-species super soldier is the koala. You would wind up with an army so cute, it couldn’t be attacked.”
The Junior Professor Solution
A quote about: Koalas
Use it when: Trying to determine which animal to breed with women to create a superhuman, cuddly race.
The gang talk about how Joseph Stalin wanted to impregnate women with gorillas to create a superhuman race. In the words of Howard – “sick use of science”, indeed. Leonard suggests hippos, but Sheldon prefers koalas – a.ka. “Cuddly soldiers with big flat noses”. Should we tell Shelly that Koalas can actually be more dangerous than crocodiles?
17. “I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup.”
The Intimacy Acceleration
A quote about: Affection
Use it when: Trying to get the girl or guy to fall for you.
Sheldon and Penny conduct an experiment to see whether people can fall in love with each other in two hours. This includes staring at each other. Sheldon says he can stare at Penny, because he’s comfortable with her and she says, “Sweetie, I’m comfortable around you, too.” It makes sense she would be. Sheldon is exactly like warm tomato soup. We’re just not sure which brand.
18. “I’m sorry, coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs.”
The Work Song Nanocluster
A quote about: Coffee
Use it when: You’ve had enough coffee to last a lifetime.
Penny is trying to get Sheldon drunk…at least, Shelly thinks so. When she tries to wake Sheldon up from his nap, Penny offers him coffee. Being the weirdo that he is, Sheldon politely declines the offer, because, well, he’s too scared he’ll be one step away from a needle.
19. Leonard: “I did a bad thing.” / Sheldon: “Does it affect me?” / Leonard: “No.” / Sheldon: “Then suffer in silence.”
The Extract Obliteration
A quote about: Wanting to be left alone
Use it when: That annoying person wants to talk to you.
Leonard is upset and guilty that he read Penny’s college paper behind her back. He wants to tell Sheldon, but he’s too involved in a game that has to do with Stephen Hawking. What would happen if Sheldon was playing a game that involved Professor Neutron? Would he even have answered Leonard? Good thing Leonard has learned talking to Sheldon is like talking to a wall.
20. “I always listen to myself. It’s one of the great joys of my life.”
The Parking Lot Escalation
A quote about: Being a narcissist
Use it when: Someone thinks you’re talking nonsense.
Sheldon wants his parking spot back! Never mind that he doesn’t even drive. When Howard asks if Sheldon is “even listening to himself”, he responds with this epic line. Of course Sheldon loves listening to himself. If he were to drive, he would probably make his voice navigate so he can listen to himself give directions.
21. “She calls me moon-pie because I’m nummy-nummy and she could just eat me up.”
The Terminator Decoupling
A quote about: Being cute
Use it when: You want to defend your (very cute but cringe) nickname.
When Penny accidentally discovers Sheldon’s letters from his Meemaw (a.k.a grandma), she learns that her nickname for him is “moon-pie”. Cue Penny’s teasing. Sheldon isn’t pleased, but he’s not afraid to explain the reasoning behind this mushy pet name. Apparently he’s “nummy-nummy”. So, if ever you’re in need for a new nickname for your lover (or dog?), you know what to use…
22. Sheldon: “You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.” / Amy: “Religion?” / Sheldon: “Star Trek.”
The Alien Parasite Hypothesis
A quote about: Hard times
Use it when: Religion just doesn’t do it for you anymore.
Star Trek fans can relate. Sheldon finds a discussion with Amy rather difficult and awkward. What does he do? He says he turns to Star Trek for advice. William Shatner should consider a second job as being Sheldon’s consultant. A motivational saying to consider when God lets you down…
23. “Mommy, I love you. Don’t let Spock take me to the future!”
The Thespian Catalyst
A quote about: Goodbyes
Use it when: Your mommy has to leave your house…because, well, you’re a grown man.
Sheldon didn’t receive the best reviews for his teaching skills, so Penny decides to give him improv acting lessons. Of course, he takes it a little too far, and stays in role whilst on the phone to his mother. He loves his mom so much, that even Spock, his idol, can’t take him away from her.
24. “You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. You know, understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want. It’s exhausting!”
The 43 Peculiarity
A quote about: Socializing
Use it when: Socializing gets too tiring and you need some alone time.
Raj and Howard keep following Sheldon to find out where he goes at 2:45 every day. He plays a trick on them and pretends he’s visited 43 different universes, and is going into a wormhole to get into the 44th, when all of a sudden, an alien gets to him! He then explains why he needs some alone time. “Feigning interest in others” – oh, we totally understand that one, Shelly!
25. “There’s no denying that I have feelings for you that can’t be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite, but that seems even more far-fetched. The only conclusion was love.”
The Prom Equivalency
A quote about: Being in love
Use it when: Love has finally got the best of you.
Amy and Sheldon tell each other they love each other, which for Sheldon is a miracle – he doesn’t usually feel human emotion! But when he finally does, he has a logical, rational explanation (or so he thinks) – what he is feeling may be caused by a brain parasite. Or not. Who knew you needed a Ph.D. to know when you were in love!
26. “What exactly does that expression mean, ‘friends with benefits’? Does he provide her with health insurance?”
The Vegas Renormalization
A quote about: Friendship
Use it when: You want to reject your bestie when they get too friendly.
Sheldon has a tough time understanding the logistics of ‘friends with benefits’. This kind of friendship makes more sense to him if it involves some kind of insurance. I mean, he’s not wrong. His reasoning isn’t completely nonsense. If only we had his naivety at times…
So, what have we all learned from these best Sheldon Cooper quotes? He thinks Dr. Spock makes a great therapist, drinking coffee is the equivalent to drug use and oxygen is far more important than love.
Whether you agree or not depends on just how quirky and eccentric a Sheldon Cooper fan you are.
Let us know which of these nerdy lines made you fake smile like Sheldon, or tell us any other sayings we may have left out in the comments below…
100 Best ‘Friends’ TV Show Quotes